Back in the 80s, there wasn’t anything that didn’t bare the Transformers’ name on it. In fact, to a kid, the Autobot logo was the strongest seal of approval any product could receive.
So when you see your favorite Autobot hawking your favorite drink, you stand up and take notice. Suddenly that Coke isn’t just a tastier replacement for water, and a one-way ticket to diabetes, it’s the key to living a bad ass life of adventures that can only come once you ingest the sweet soda made from Optimus Prime’s oil riched soul.
Just look at this commercial! Go ahead. I’ll be here after the break.
That was right there was some serious 80s style ADD that would drive any child towards a life of petty crime, just to steal enough nickels for a bottle of coke.
Just look at these kids. Hanging out. Drinking Coke. Watching Transformers. Jesus Christ, these kids are living out my 80s fantasy before I discovered girls.
But because we are never happy with anything, Optimus Prime took it upon himself to save these sentient beings from their borings lives by breaking into their homes and handing them an officially licensed Transformer Magazine. The mere thought of this would send any child into an absolute nerd frenzy that by today’s standards would be a telltale sign that some type of medication or therapy is required.
But what does one have to do to have a creepy underpaid actor in a cheap Optimus Prime costume show up in your bedroom and offer you the chance of absolute happiness (and possible religious salvation)? Why, you have to drink Coca-Cola, of course.
Tons and tons of fucking Coca-Cola.
But wait, there’s more! Through the magic of Transformers, those bottle tops could be transformed into a form of currency that could be exchanged for STICKERS! MOTHA FUCKIN STICKERS!! The ultimate aphrodisiac for any preteen child.
Stickers that I can put into the officially licensed Coca-Cola sticker album! Stickers that I can trade with my friends. Stickers that I can fill the empty void in my soul. And if that wasn’t enough, every album comes with the chance to win prizes!
Like a goddamn plane ride around the world with Optimus Prime himself.
So get ready to put your health at risk, and suck on that Coca-Cola morning, noon, and night! Let nothing stand in the way of this one in a lifetime opportunity. Nothing! Not your parents. Not your doctor. Not even those extra six pounds you put on since you started this all Coca-Cola diet has the power to keep you from achieving your dreams of drinking a Coke with the cartoon character you wish impregnated your mom.
So do what the commercial says, and drink lots and lots of Coca-Cola. It’s the only way to live the dream and feel one step closer to old-man Optimus Prime himself.